blackdemon111

Hi there everyone, I just wanted to let you know that I am not doing very well. I was a witness to a terrible tragedy. I was out retrieving carts for my job at Safeway at 3pm when I saw this homeless man sitting beside the water machine. I didn't think much of it and instead went to get my store manager because I thought that he was panhandling. My store manager, Mr. B I will call him, went out and saw the homeless man and made sure that he was not panhandling and then informed me that he was simply sitting there. Then, at 5pm, I went out to retrieve carts again, as it was my turn to do so. When I came outside, I came outside to a horror scene. I saw the same homeless man, but he was no longer sitting up, instead he was splayed out on the ground with EMTs, Paramedics, and Fire Department officials surrounding him and trying to revive him. I then overheard that he had or has a serious drinking problem and was/is always trying to commit suicide and that he drank himself to the point of unconsciousness and that he was not responsive to any treatment. Then I saw the worst thing anyone could ever see. They, meaning the EMTs and Paramedics, placed him into a yellow body bag and covered him with a white sheet, even though they said that he had a good pulse and was hooked up to an IV. I am unsure if the homeless man survived, but I highly doubt it. So today I spoke to Mr. B and explained what I had witnessed and also explained that I had an uncle do the same thing, except that he died, and the cause was suicide from drinking and choking to death. I also told him that I had a great uncle who, although he committed suicide, he did it by overdosing on his insulin and was found two or three months later in a graveyard. So this incident hit close to home. It was very sad, but even worse was that he was between my age (33) and my mom's age (my mom is in her 60s) and as such, had his whole life ahead of him! I have seen many things, some of them horrific, but this incident takes the cake and the icing and cherry on top- the whole thing. So I will not be able to be online as much as this has had such a negative impact on me (doubly so because I am an Empath). Thanks for understanding. Blessed Be.

How are you all doing? As for me, I've been very busy with work and my life. Some of it is positive and some of it is negative. The positive side will be said first.

First off, my job is going a little bit more smoothly now that we have a much better new manager who is very friendly and helpful, as our other manager was not very pleasant or good. And our new manager is always encouraging me and my fellow employees to do much better at our jobs and always helping us to grow and learn from our mistakes by giving advice to help us and thus helping us to help others.  The other positive thing is that I have improved greatly on my art skills and have even taken up photography as a skill. And I have been working on writing one of my very first novels and I have gotten very good at it through practice and am learning and exploring new words along the way. Another positive is that I am now taking public transportation rather than relying on my mother to transport me to various places and it has boosted my confidence and self esteem tremendously. I also have had some of my medications reduced and/or stopped completely, thus reducing the number of medications that I have to take now.

Now the negative side of things. We had some other medical issues crop up. One is that I now have a rare skin disease called Hidradenitis Suppurativa, Stage 2. There are four stages to this disease. Stage 4 is the very worst. That is where you no longer have any quality of life and the only medical option left, which has a very high probability of ending your life, is to place you in a carbon dioxide chamber. Stage 1 is the most minor stage. I am at the end of Stage 2. This disease is genetic and not a result of poor hygiene or weight, although they may both exacerbate the disease. Another negative is that my bus route is getting ready to be cut, or taken away. So now I have to rely on another mode of transportation to get me to and from work. Also, I have been getting sick with various other medical ailments and have had to go to the doctor twice this year. First time I went was because I had a sore throat with a low grade fever that would not go away as well as a whooping type cough. I also couldn't eat or drink anything without excruciating pain. The doctor prescribed me some powerful antibiotics, Amoxicillin 896mg, twice a day for ten days. Plus it was discovered that I lost 14lbs. The second time I went to the doctor was because I developed an abscess that refused to drain completely and was infected. Plus I had two suspicious bruise marks on my left ankle. The doctor gave me two shots under my left arm. One shot was a steroid injection and the other was an antibiotic injection. As for my left ankle, I have to go see a specialist and wear an ankle brace. This is because the muscle tendons are too stretched out and tearing away from the bone. But until I can get to see a specialist, I have to exercise my foot and wear an ankle brace.

Well, everyone, it is time for me to go! Hope you have a great day or night! Blessings!

    I am so excited for today! Today we have arrived at our destination for an out-of-state wedding. One of my cousins on my Mom's side is getting married tomorrow and tonight is the dress and wedding rehearsal/dinner! Luckily I brought plenty of things to do so that I won't be bored to tears lol. Not to mention one of my second-cousins and one of my third-cousins are coming to the wedding too, so I will be plenty entertained and have loads to do with watching them. I absolutely love all of my cousins! Good thing my second- and third- cousins are usually pretty good at entertaining themselves so I will have plenty of time to work on one of my art pieces. In addition, the bride and I have become good friends the last time we saw each other, which was at my one of my Great Aunts' 90th birthday! Another reason I am excited for the wedding is that it will be done with the honoring of my dearly departed maternal grandparents, whom I loved and still love very much. And I miss them very much. The third reason that I am excited for the wedding is that I get to have a chance to visit with all of my relatives on my mother's side and I get to meet and introduce myself to the family relatives of the bride! 
     
     However, despite all of my happiness and excitement, the wedding is a somber reminder of the fact that I will always remain single and alone. It is a somber reminder that I will never be able to give and show love to a significant other and that I will never receive or feel love from a significant other. I will die alone and barren. And I will have lived a long and lonely life with no love. But I am used to that now. I have never been loved a day in my life, so love is very foreign to me.
   
     Despite all of these negative feelings, I am not jealous of my cousin. Quite the contrary. I am actually very proud of him. Having a wedding is something to celebrate, a huge achievement, a giant step forward in a positive direction and a giant leap of faith. Staying married with your partner, especially in these times, is also a huge achievement and a huge step in a positive direction. Staying married until death is a huge success, depending on the quality of the marriage and how much you enjoy your partner's company.

     I am proud of all of my cousins and their achievements, big and small. The cousin that is getting married-I am proud that both he and his fiance, now wife, have chosen to be doctors (pediatricians) and help care for sick and/or injured children. They wish to work with children who have cancer or other serious illnesses. I will post more later on, but for now, I have to go! Have a wonderful day everyone!

     ~Chaos Bringer

Today was a lot better than yesterday. That is because my crazy psychotic bitch of a manager stayed out of my way and I stayed out of hers. That is, until she started working on a cash register for a customer. I held the customer's water jug and was going to ask her if she wanted me to put her water in a bag when my manager yelled at me for just standing there and said, "Just put the water in the cart and get moving about it!" The customer thought my manager was extremely rude and told me that she did not want the water in a bag and I obliged the customer. Plus I witnessed something very comical. Our store was being used as prime hunting grounds for a homeless man to find potential targets for him to panhandle money from. And he was getting pretty aggressive in behavior. So I went and got my psychotic store manager and she went to deal with the homeless man and he got pretty aggressive with her. So she notified the police department and they sent someone to handle the situation. Once an officer arrived, he started yelling at the officer, saying, "I'm a Crip! I'm a Crip!!" About the only things this clown achieved was making himself look like an idiot. Because he was dressed up in all red- like a Blood. What made this even more hilarious was when a customer yelled out, "Dude! Are you fucking color-blind?!?! Crips wear BLUE and you are wearing RED!!!!" Then the clown proceeded to tell the officer that he was trying to purchase a few beers for some friends of his and he was trying to get enough money to buy a plane ticket and go see his wife. The officer did not believe him and gave him a ticket for trespassing, telling him not to come back to the store's property or to any of the other stores around the area. Then this clown proceeds to threaten the officer and yell, as he was leaving, that he was going to be back with his gang and then beat the shit out of my fat bitch of a manager and the officer for kicking him off the property. This is when the same customer yelled out,  "Yeah! You and your gang of homeless clowns!!" The officer then told the customer to butt out or leave the premises. Meanwhile I am trying not to laugh out loud, but it didn't work. Once I got back inside, I just started really laughing hard. This guy was STUPID! As I left work for the day, I heard that the same clown came back in was subsequently arrested. Haha! What a loser!

Meanwhile I am working on my new wolf art piece for a friend of mine and I am getting ready to go on vacation and see a cousin of mine who is getting married in Tennessee. However, as fate would have it, I am not going to be able to see my friend Alaina in Louisiana. I am hoping that, in spite of this, I will have a great time and that I will be able to see her in November.

Well, have to go now. Hope all of you have a great day and weekend!

~Chaos Bringer

I am really hating myself. Throughout my entire life, I have been hated, feared, treated like a garbage dump. And it seems as if only negative or bad things happen to me or in my life. Nothing positive ever happens to me, no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into having something positive happen to me. Seems that all of the positive energies go towards other people who are much more worthy of life than I am. I have never dated anyone or been loved by anyone. In fact, my list of haters is much longer than my list of friends, which only stands St one person and even that one person doesn't want to be my friend. That one person is me.. If there is one thing that I have learned, it is this: I am not meant to be happy. I am meant to be hated and feared and unhappy. I do not celebrate holidays nor do I celebrate my own birthday because I am not worthy of that. Every single fucking day I wish I was born deceased. In fact I wish I was never conceived or that I was simply left in a dumpster to die. I don't have a good paying job, I have so many fucking health issues it's ridiculous, I live with my parents who treat me like a scumbag-as if I am not a living breathing being and because of my health issues, I am unable to get and/or secure a better paying job. I will never find love or be loved by anyone. I don't unable to give love, having never been shown how to love, nor am I able to feel love, having been exposed only to hate, anger and resentment. I am in a big hurry to rush through my miserable ass life cycle and die and then go to Hell.  I don't want to fucking live much anymore. I am not a talented artist, I am not smart or intelligent, I am not beautiful, I am not wise, I am not healthy, I am not interesting, I am not sociable and I am not a good person. I am mentally and physically fucked up, I am very unattractive, I am useless when it comes to talent, I am disabled and stupid as hell,  I am just a plain Jane, I make tons of dumbass mistakes and I am unable to move out on my own. If I do not get to move out by Christmas of next year, then  I will make myself disappear for good.

Sorry for this long, boring ass rant but I needed to get that shit out of myself. Fuck my screwed up life.

~Chaos Bringer